Flag This
by M.W. Roach
Summary: SCRIPT FORMAT: After a friendly wolf makes itself too much at home, Brian and Stewie offer it for adoption on Craigslist, but keep getting flagged/ Stewie chats with an online pedophile.
1. ACT I

"_It seems today_

_That all ya see_

_Is violence in movies and sex on T.V."_

"_But where are those good, ol' fashioned values?"_

_On which we used to rely?_

_Lucky there's a Family Guy!_

_Lucky there's a man who_

_Positively can do_

_All the things that make us_

"_Laugh and cry!"_

_He's_

_Our_

_Fam-_

_-ily_

_Guy!_

**Episode Title:** _**"Flag This"**_

**Author: _M.W. Roach_**

* * *

[Opens with full view of the Griffin household. Inside, Chris and Meg are watching TV; Chris is on the floor, while Meg sits on the couch. Lois approaches from offscreen].

**Lois:** "Kids, have you seen your father?"

**Meg:** "Yeah...He said something about trading in the clunker."

**Lois:** "What? He went without me? Ugh, that is so like Petah to make drastic decisions without consulting me first; like the time he got himself cloned..."

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_[Cutaway to Peter leaning over the kitchen table staring lovingly at a Peter Griffin-version of Austin Power's Mini-Me.]_

_**Peter:** "Hehehehe....little Mini-Peter...Daddy loves you! Yes he does!"_

_**Chris** [sitting at the opposite end of the table]: "Dad, I thought I was...."_

_**Peter:** "Eh! Zip it!"_

_**Chris:** "But, dad..."_

_**Peter:** "I said zip it! Zip!" [runs his finger across his mouth. The argument continues for about 45 seconds [add-libbing session similar to the Austin Powers movie]]_

_**Chris:** "Dad, you can't just..."_

_**Peter** [jumps us and screams]: "I SAID SHUT THE ZIP UP! SHUT YOUR ZIPPING MOUTH!"_

_**Chris** [runs away, crying]: "IT NEVER ENDS!!!"_

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[Cutaway Ends]

**Lois: **"Honestly, I wish he'd have waited for me..."

[Stewie appears from offscreen holding a LeapFrog learning laptop]

**Stewie** [To Lois]: "You there! What the hell is this? Does this look like a bloody Tickle-Me-Elmo to you?" [Throws the toy at her feet] "Now take your ass back to the toy store and get it right this time, you cellulite-ridden sow!"

**Lois:** "Honey, it's a learning toy! It's like a computer. Don't you want to be mommy's smart little boy?"

**Stewie:** "A computer, you say?" [grabs the toy and examines it carefully] "My Lord...why, with this mechanism acting as my learning tool, I can become the best hacker the world has ever seen!" [eyes the logo] "Yes, and this grinning amphibian will teach me everything I need to know, won't you? Yes...yes, you shall be my green little bitch...." [starts walking away.]

**Lois: **"Bye-bye, sweetie! Have fun!"

**Stewie:** "Choke on your own vomit!" [leaves]

[Lois, Chris and Meg look towards the door when a loud rumbling can be heard coming up the driveway]

**Lois:** "Is that your father?"

[a loud horns sounds off, followed by Peter's voice]

**Peter** [offscreen]: "Honk, honk, Griffin Family! Get your hands out here with your asses up! Hehehheheehe..."

[Lois rolls her eyes and opens the door. She gasps with disbelief and shock when she sees the massive Hummer in her driveway]

**Lois: **"Petah, what the hell is this? You were supposed to trade the car for cash!"

**Peter: **"I did...I brought the car down to the dealership and they gave me 5 grand."

**Lois:** "But, Petah, that money was supposed to be used to buy a fuel-efficient car, not a gas-guzzler!"

**Peter: **"Yeah, I seen those fancy-shmancy new cars...to tell ya the truth, I...I couldn't even fit in the drivers' seat. How the hell am I supposed to cruise down the street impressing the 15-year-old chicks with half of my ass hanging out the window?"

**Lois** [scolding]: "PETAH!"

**Peter:** "I, uh, also got this car for us to enjoy. Those wimpy matchbox cars can't get into the middle of the woods for a romantic camping weekend, can they?"

**Lois:** "A...romantic camping weekend? Really?"

**Peter: **"Yup! Just you, me and the 4-wheel drive! What do ya say, Honey?"

**Lois: **"Well...what about the kids? Will they be okay alone all weekend?"

**Peter** [laughing]: "Oh, come on, Lois! Our kids are losers! What're they gonna do? Throw a party?"

[Peter laughs again, with Lois joining him]

**Lois** [laughing]: "Oh, that's true. I'll go get my coat."

[Lois reenters the house; Brian walks past her and eyes the new car]

**Brian:** "Umm...what the hell is that?"

**Peter** [whispers]: "Ugh, believe me, Brian, I tried getting one of those new electric cars, but they were so damn expensive. They only gave me $5000.00 for the old car."

**Brian:** "So...instead of getting a car similar to the one you traded...you got one that's going to wind up costing you 4-times more in gas?"

**Peter** [laughs]: "Hehhehehe...gas..." [notices Brian's blank stare] "Yeah...yeah, that's pretty much how it happened."

**Brian** [sighs]: "Well, it coulda been worse...like that time you spent $50.00 on a pirated copy of "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory"."

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_[Cutaway to a terribly-made copy of "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory."]_

_**Charlie** [hunched over with his pants down to his knees. His left hand is clutched to his scrotum with the right hand gripping a knife.] "Are you...are you sure about this, Mr. Wonka?"_

_**Willy Wonka** [Johnny Depp-version---Standing behind Charlie; arms crossed]: "Look, if you want to be a Chocolateer like me, the first step is Self-Castration. Free yourself of the manly bonds that will distract you from finding the true flavor of candy!"_

_**Charlie:** "Couldn't I just...I dunno...be a Chocolateer without mutilating myself?"_

_**Wonka:** "I SAID CUT THEM THE F*CK OFF!!!!!"_

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[Cutaway Ends]

[Brian takes a few steps towards the Hummer]

**Peter:** "Hey, uh, Brian. Me and Lois are taking the weekend off to have heterosexual BrokeBack Mountain-style sex, will you watch the kids?"

**Brian:** "Yeah, they'll be fine. Listen Peter, I'm gonna take a look at the new car."

**Peter:** "Alright, but make it quick. We're gonna be leaving in a few minutes. And uh...try not pee in there...nothing drives a boner into the ground faster then pee-flavored new car smell." [walks into the house]

**Brian** [walks over to the car and opens the back. He climbs in and starts sniffing around the seats and floors.]: "Hmm...smells like an Italian guy died in here..." [he lifts the backseat, which had been folded down, and gazes at what appears to be a trapdoor. He sniffs at it.] "Hey...I smell booze..." [he unlatches it and opens the door. He peers inside the tiny, dark space and notices a half-empty rum bottle in the corner. His eyes widen as he slips inside. Meanwhile, outside, Lois and Peter approach the car and toss some luggage inside, knocking the trapdoor down and locking it. Brian begins pounding the door from the inside and shouting]

**Brian:** "Peter! Lois! Hey! Hey, I'm in here! Peter! Let me out! Hey!"

**[an unknown voice pierces the darkness]** "Don't waste your breath. They can't hear you."

**Brian: **"What the-?" [strikes a match, which illuminates the blackness. Brian is shocked to see John Travolta] "John Travolta? What the hell are you doing here?"

**John:** "Well, I had to hide _somewhere_ after doing 'Harispray!'. Besides, I thought you liked me. I did your voice!"

**Brian:** "I'm not Bolt."

**John:** "Oh..." [silence]"...are you sure?"

**Brian:** "Get out."

[Scene Cut]

* * *

[Peter is driving down the road in the massive fuel-eating vehicle, staring lovingly at his wife despite the shouts and insults from the fellow, oncoming drivers. Lois manages to tear her gaze from Peter's face and brings her attention to the road]

**Lois: **"Petah, look out!"

[Peter swerves, narrowly hitting African American Actress 'Monique']

**Monique:** "Watch where you're goin', you honky bastard! I'll slap you and your ho into next week!"

**Peter:** "Ah, Jeez! That was a close one! I thought they were supposed to have signs for free-ranging cattle!"

[In the secret compartment, Brian is getting tossed and thrown around violently. He groans and rubs his face.]

**Brian:** "Ugh, well at least the kids should be doing a little better then this..."

[Scene Cut]

* * *

[Back at the Griffin House, Stewie is sitting in the middle of his room with his LeapFrog learning pad open in front of him]

**Stewie:** "Alright...now, to hack into our Government files and unlock the codes to all of our nuclear weapons!" [he presses a button]

**Learning Pad:** "Welcome to LeapFrog! Can you tell me how many eggs are on the screen?"

**Stewie:** "I don't care how many bloody eggs are on the damn screen! Connect me to the World Wide Web at once!"

**Learning Pad:** "I'm sorry! The correct answer was seven!"

**Stewie: **"UGH, the hell with this!" [throws the LeapFrog pad against the wall, shattering it]

**Learning Pad: **"Oh, hey, that's REALLY mature!" [fizzes out]

**Stewie: **"Blast! Now, how am I supposed to access the Internet?"

[He gets up and runs out of his room and peeks in Meg's room. She is sitting at the computer, staring blankly at the screen]

**Meg: **"Why doesn't anyone want to talk to me?" [cries]

[Stewie cringes and moves on to Chris's room. Chris is sitting on his bed playing cards. Across from him is a pillow with a hat on it.]

**Chris:** [sighs] "Yes, I have a three..." [throws the card at his 'friend'] "Okay...do you have a Jack?" [a few moments of silence] "WHAT DO YOU MEAN GO FISH?? YOU CHEATER!! I'LL KILL YOU!!" [tackles the pillow to the floor and proceeds to beat the feathers out of it.]

[Stewie brings his gaze to Chris's computer. He runs up to it and takes a seat at the desk. After hitting some buttons, he finds himself in an online chatroom]

**Stewie: **"Finally...now, all I need to do is find some...I say, who the hell is this?" [He pauses his rantings when someone in the chatroom called hardnready sends him an Instant Message]

hardnready: Hi. How R U?

**Stewie:** "What the hell is it your business you nosy...hmm...well, that's an interesting username...I don't want to seem like a rude bastard..." [replies to the IM using the username kill_lois]

kill_lois: I M fine. How R U?

hardnready: I M OK. Thx 4 asking!

**Stewie:** "Oh, how deliciously dangerous! Why, I could be talking with Wesley Snipes for all I know!"

----------------------------------------------

_[Cutaway to Wesley Snipes lying on his cot in prison. A guard comes by and hits the bars with his night stick]_

_**Guard: **"Hey, Blade! Look at me! I'm a familiar! And my pal, Ted's a vampire!" [laughs] "I'm just yankin' ya, man. Here's your rat blood." _

_[Wesley clamors at the bars and laps up the drippings]_

----------------------------------------------------

[Cutaway Ends]

[Stewie leans over the monitor and reads the new message carefully]

hardnready: Wnt 2 meet l8r?

**Stewie:** "Meet? I say, this could be a potentially life-threatening decision...but, this moronic dung-heap doesn't seem to care one iota about his life!" [responds to message]

kill_lois: How bout the Cineplex, say 8ish?

hardnready: Its a date. TTYL.

**Stewie:** "Yes, and Lord help you if you don't have the information I demand!"

**Chris** [screams frantically as the pillow is now pummeling him mercilessly]: "STEWIE, GET OUTTA HERE! SAVE YOURSELF!!!"

[Scene Cut]

* * *

[In the woods, Peter and Lois are busy setting up their camp. Brian is sitting on a log, cradling his face in his paws. Lois approaches him and pats his head.]

**Lois:** "Aw, it's okay, Brian. We love having you out here with us."

**Brian:** "Ugh...I just...I feel awful for being a third wheel on your romantic getaway. I'll try to stay out of your way until we leave."

**Peter **[approaches Lois from behind and straddles her waist]: "Ah, come on, Brian! We don't mind if you watch us do it."

**Lois:** "Petah!"

**Peter:** "What? I've watched dogs do it lots of times."

**Brian:** "It's okay, Peter. I'm, uh...I'm just gonna go take a walk."

[Brian walks away while Peter and Lois get intimate. A mile into the forest, Brian stops and sniffs the air. With a shrug he pulls out a cigarette and lights it. A spine tingling howl catches his attention, and he stands completely still, a nervous look in his eyes. The howl rings out again, only closer this time. Frightened, Brian goes to back up, only to trip over a dead branch. The howling continues to get closer until Brian sees a big black, silver and white wolf with yellow eyes approach him slowly. Brian struggles to get up, but the wolf is face to face with him immediately. Brian shakily tries to defend himself, but before he can do anything, the wolf suddenly stands on its hindlegs in an anthropomorphic fashion, and pulls a hand-rolled cigarette from behind its ear.]

**Wolf **[voiced by Scott Cohen]: "Hey, man. Got a light?"

**Brian **[confused, he gets to his feet and offers the wolf his lighter]: Uh...yeah, here.

[The wolf lights its 'cigarette' and takes a drag. It holds the smoke in for a few seconds before exhaling]

**Wolf:** "Thanks, pal. Name's Crooner."

**Brian:** "Uh...hi. I'm Brian."

**Crooner:** "You lost, Brian?"

**Brian: **"Ah, no...I'm here with my family."

**Crooner:** "No way? You have a family?"

**Brian:** "Umm...yeah..."

**Crooner** [sighs dreamily]: "Boy, you're lucky. I wish I had a human family. But, as soon as humans see a wolf, images from Jack London books obscure the truth. Damn Canadian hippie bastard." [takes another, longer drag]

**Brian:** "Wow...you know, I had no idea wolves were so badly stereotyped. So, you guys really want to be with humans, huh?"

**Crooner:** "Of course we do! We're just dogs after all...you know, only smarter. No offense, Brian."

**Brian** [friendlier]: "None taken! Believe me, I've met my fair share of stupid dogs."

------------------------------------------------------------

_[Cutaway to Brian waiting in line at an autograph-signing session featuring Lassie. Brian approaches and hands Lassie his notepad and pencil]_

_**Brian:** "Wow, Lassie! I am such a huge fan of yours! You're an inspiration to dogs everywhere! I mean, when I think of all the times I watched your show when I felt useless, you showed me that the simplest things can make a dog a hero. Will you sign this for me?" [places notepad and pencil on table]_

_Lassie: [jumps on table, lifts leg and urinates on notepad]_

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Cutaway Ends]

**Crooner **[laughs and takes another drag]**:** "Well, Brian, I've met lots of dogs, but you've gotta be the smartest. Wouldn't be surprised in the least if you had a little wolf in you."

**Brian** [gushes]: "Thanks, Crooner. You know, I bet the family would find you really interesting. Why don't you come with me and meet Peter and Lois? Who knows? Maybe they can help you find a family of your own."

**Crooner:** "Really?"

**Brian: **"Well, sure! And until they can find a home you'd like, you can live with us. I mean, it'd be a pleasure to actually have an intelligent conversation with someone once in a while."

**Crooner:** "Ugh, tell me about it! Ever have a conversation with a fat, stupid boar?"

----------------------------------------------------------------

_[Cutaway to Crooner watching with disdain as a large boar that bears a striking resemblance to Peter laughs stupidly and grabs at its toes]_

--------------------------------------------------------------

**Brian:** "You have no idea..."

---------------------------------------------------------------

_[Cutaway to Brian watching with disdain as Peter laughs stupidly and grabs at his toes]_

------------------------------------------------------------------

[Scene Cut]

* * *

[Outside of Lois and Peter's tent. As Peter's moans increase, so does Lois' requests for Peter to wait. This goes on for about 30 seconds]

**Peter:** "SHAZAM!!"

**Lois** [disappointed sigh]: "The important thing is, you tried."

[In the opening of the tent, Brian and Crooner stand rigidly and stare at the completed scene before them]

**Brian:** "Maybe we should've waited about 3 minutes..."

**Crooner:** "So that's how humans do it..." [takes huge drag of 'cigarette'] "That's disgusting."

**Brian:** "Only when Peter's doing it..."

**  
**[Scene Cut]

* * *

[Scene opens back at the campsite. Lois and Peter are sitting on a log; Brian and Crooner are standing in front of them. Lois is smiling, but Peter's face is stricken with fear]

**Brian: **"Peter, Lois...this is my new friend, Crooner."

**Peter:** "Jeez, Brian...you befriended a freakin' wolf? Are you crazy? The kids have grown attached to their grandmother, and so have the 3 little pigs!"

**Lois** [scolding]: "Petah, don't be rude!" [turns her attention to Crooner and takes his paw in her hands] "It's very nice to meet you, Croonah. You'll have to forgive Petah. He takes fairy tales way too seriously."

-------------------------------------------------

_[Cutaway to a log cabin in the woods. Inside, a blonde girl lays asleep on her couch; photos of herself and her family can be seen on the walls, indicating that the house is indeed hers. She awakes when she hears a knock on the door and gets up to answer it. She opens it to see Peter, who grabs her by her pigtails and throws her out of the house, kicking her down the stairs of the porch]_

_**Peter:** "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO THROW YOU OUT OF THE THREE BEARS' HOUSE, GOLDIE LOCKS? YOU FREELOADING LITTLE WHORE!"_

---------------------------------------------------

[Cutaway Ends]

**Brian:** "Listen, guys...I was wondering if we could let Crooner stay with us for a little while. Just until he finds his own family."

**Crooner:** "I don't want to impose...but, I've always wanted my own human pack, and I'd love to practice with you guys. I won't stay too long, I promise."

**Lois [indecisively]:** "Well..."

**Brian and Crooner [child-like; tails wagging]:** "Please?"

**Lois:** "Oh, I can't say no to those cute little faces! I think its a wondaful idea. Petah, what do you think?"

**Peter:** "Hell no."

**Lois:** "Oh, but Petah..."

**Peter:** "Don't you 'Oh, but Petah' me, Lois! I don't trust wolves. For cryin' out loud, we have a baby or two at home!"

**Brian:** "Peter, wolves don't eat babies! And it's rude and presumptuous of you to think that. At least give the guy a chance."

[Peter stares suspiciously at Crooner, who lays his ears back and gives him 'puppy-dog eyes'. He wags his tail gently and whimpers]

**Brian** [whispers with disgust]: "What--What the hell are you doing?"

**Crooner** [responds with a whisper from the side of his mouth]: "He looks like he might say no, so it's time for drastic measures. Besides, humans totally dig this crap."

**Brian:** "Well, yeah, but...it's...it's degrading."

**Peter** [swoons]: "Aww!! He's so cute!"

**Crooner** [Grins devilishly]: "Degrading, but effective!"

[Wags his tail faster as both Peter and Lois clamor around him and stroke him, muttering baby-talk. Crooner happily wallows in the attention.]

[Brian watches with concern, jealousy and a little regret]


	2. ACT II

[Resumes at the Quahog cineplex parking lot. Stewie wanders around in search of his online friend, but is unable to locate him. He approaches the ticket booth operated by an acne-covered teen]

**Stewie:** "I say, refrain from picking at those grease-lined pus craters for a moment and give me a ticket! I'm meeting someone in there and I do not intend to leave him waiting!"

**Teen :** "Are you kill_?"

**Stewie** [chuckles]: "Happily."

**Teen** [hands him a folded piece of paper]: "Your friend left this for you."

**Stewie:** "What the deuce?" [snatches message and reads it outloud] "'kill_lois, I'm sorry, but I got too nervous and went home. Maybe we can try this again some other time. Yours: hardnready aka your Secret Admirer. [his voice fades] P.S. I'm touching myself as I'm writing this...'"[screams] "UGH, that's what that stuff is!" [drops note in disgust and vigorously wipes his hands on his shirt] "Damn it! I can't believe that bastard stood me up! Strange, I should want to kill him, but for some reason, it only makes me want him even more. Huh...Now I know how Jamie Lynn Spears feels..."

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_[Cutaway to Jamie Lynn with her boyfriend Casey Aldridge]_

_**Jamie:** "I want you, Casey."_

_**Casey:** "Jamie, I already told you. I'm gay."_

_**Jamie** [rips her clothes off]: "I want your baby!"_

_**Casey:** "Jamie, I like men. Nothing will change that. In fact, I was going to come out of the closet on the news today."_

_**Jamie:** "Look, just pretend I have a penis and sleep with me! As long as I don't get pregnant, you can love any man you choose! But, if you knock me up, you gotta marry me. Deal?"_

_**Casey:** "Hey, I can't lose!"_

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[Cutaway Ends]

[Scene Cut]

* * *

[Resumes 2 days later as Peter, Lois, Brian and Crooner pull up in the driveway in the Hummer. They all enter the house. Chris and Meg are sitting on the couch watching T.V. They look up in surprise at the new dog]

**Lois:** "Kids, meet Croonah. He's going to be living with us from now on. Isn't that wondaful?"

**Meg** [jumps off the couch]: "Wow! Is he a wolf?"

**Lois** [pats Crooner's head]: "He sure is! Oh, isn't he handsome?" [scratches behind his ears, making his tail wag]

**[Brian growls]**

**Chris: **"Can you huff and puff and blow a house down?"

**Crooner:** [Enthusiastic] "Not since my college days!"

**Meg:** "Can I bring you to school with me? You must be a total guy-magnet!"

**Crooner:** [Not-so-Enthusiastic] "Not since my college days."

**Peter:** "You kids are gonna have to wait your turn! The wolf's coming with me, right buddy?"

[Infuriated, Brian walks into the kitchen. Inside, he sees Stewie typing furiously on Chris's laptop.]

**Brian:** "Hey, kid. What's new?"

**Stewie:** "Hold that thought..." [types 'BRB' into Instant Messenger and closes laptop]

**Brian** [suspicious]: "What're you doing?"

**Stewie:** "Well, not that it's any of your business, but I was chatting online with a buddy."

**Brian: **"You've been talking with a stranger online? Stewie, do you know how dangerous that is? You didn't give out any personal information, did you?"

**Stewie:** "...is Date of Birth and Sexual Orientation personal?"

**Brian **[Takes a seat at the table]**:** "You could be talking with a pedophile for all you know!"

[Crooner suddenly enters the kitchen and walks up to Brian and Stewie]

**Crooner: **"Wow, Brian! Your family is great! They can't get enough of me!" [notices Stewie, who is staring at him in amazement] "Hey, little guy! You must be Stewie!"

[Stewie stays silent, his eyes locked on the wolf and his jaw slightly agape]

**Crooner:** "Aw, little fella can't talk yet." [returns his attention to Brian] "Brian, I just wanna thank you for convincing the Alphas to..."

**Brian **[interrupts him]: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry...did you just refer to Peter and Lois as 'The Alphas'?"

**Crooner:** "Well...yeah..."

**Brian** [disgusted]: "Just...just checking..."

**Crooner:** "Um...anyway, thanks again, Brian. I'll try not to invade your territory too much."

[Crooner turns to leave the kitchen, but stops before stepping out]

**Crooner:** "By the way...Lois is just...wow."

[He leaves. Brian clenches his fists and growls, then turns to the still dumbfounded Stewie. After a few minutes, Stewie blinks back into reality]

**Stewie:** "I say, Brian...was that the delightfully evil wolf, Maugrim from the Chronicles of Narnia?"

**Brian:** "No, he's not."

**Stewie** [scoffs]: "Well, then, he's just as useless as you are. Now, go away!" [opens laptop and begins to eagerly type away again]

[Brian leaves the kitchen and enters the living room. He stops and watches with jealousy as Crooner sits at the edge of the couch while Peter brushes him, giggling like an idiot. Lois nudges him and snatches the brush]

**Lois:** "Petah, it's my turn to brush him! Go run his bath."

[Peter groans and reluctantly leaves. Lois gently caresses the brush against the wolf's thick fur. Crooner shudders.]

**Lois:** "I'm sorry. Did I do it too softly?"

**[Brian growls]**

**Crooner:** "No, no...I like it."

[Lois continues to brush his back, causing his leg to shake. Lois giggles and reaches over to scratch Crooner's chest]

**Lois:** "What a good boy! You like that?"

**[Brian growls even louder]**

**[Crooner moans loudly]**

**Crooner:** "Oh, Lois! Faster!"

[Lois scratches harder and faster, causing Crooner's leg to shake violently. **His moans become louder]**

**Lois:** "Good boy!"

**[Brian's intense snarling continues**; his eye twitches]

[Crooner leans over and licks Lois' face a few times.]

[Brian loses it]

**Brian:** "YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!"

[Leaps between Crooner and Lois, **barking madly** at the wolf, who backs up cautiously.]

**Lois:** "BRIAN! STOP IT!"

**Crooner:** "What the hell, man?"

[Brian stands up and points threateningly at Crooner]

**Brian:** "Don't give me that innocent crap! You stay the hell away from her, you hear me!?"

**Lois** [pulls Brian by the collar]: "What is the matter with you?!"

**Peter** [enters from offscreen]: "What's goin' on here?"

**Lois:** "Brian attacked Croonah for no reason!"

**Peter:** "Brian! I'm ashamed of you! Even more so then that time you peed in the house!"

----------------------------------------------------------

_[Cutaway to Brian urinating in the toilet. He goes to flush, only to have Peter tackle him from behind and shove his face in the toilet while simultaneously beating him in the head with a rolled up newspaper.]_

_**Peter:** "BAD DOG! NO! YOU DO THAT OUTSIDE!"_

------------------------------------------------------------------

[Cutaway Ends]

**Brian:** "He...I...Lois, you don't understand..."

**Lois:** "Brian, there is no excuse for what you did. You have to be punished. Petah...get the chain."

**Brian:** "Oh, no..."

[Scene Cut]

* * *

[Resumes with a shot of the front lawn; Brian tethered to the tree. He sighs and unlatches the clip from his collar and begins to walk down the street. A sudden streak of rage sweeps through him and he runs back to the house and peeks in the window. He sees the family sitting on the floor in a circle with Crooner in the center, laying on his back while getting his belly scratched. Brian thinks to himself for a moment before going around to the back of the house and entering through the kitchen window. He finds Stewie still seated at the table in front of the open laptop]

**Brian: **"Hey, Stewie. I need to ask you a favor now that you're 'computer savvy'."

**Stewie: **"Not that computer savvy...I've yet to figure out the meaning of that insufferable acronym 'LOL'..."

**Brian:** "I need you to put an ad on Craigslist for me."

**Stewie:** "Ugh, trust me, I've tried, but nobody wants you."

**Brian:** "I mean...I want you to put one up for that damn home-wrecking wolf. I know Craigslist isn't the safest way to rehome a pet...but it's the quickest. Will you help me?"

**Stewie** [pauses and rubs his chin in thought]: "Hmm...I could probably get a decent rehoming fee for him...but...in doing so, I'd be helping you...and you're a total ass...so I guess the answer is go f*ck yourself." [continues to IM his friend, who is inquiring about another meeting]

[Brian leans over and reads the messages on the screen.]

hardnready: Lets try meeting the cafe this time

**Stewie:** "Why, hardnready? So you can ditch me again?" [turns to Brian] "He...he keeps making these 'dates' and then leaves before I bloody get there! Do you have any idea what that's doing to my self-esteem?"

**Brian:** "Maybe I can help..."

**Stewie:** "And what are you going to do, Sniffy Longdroppings?"

**Brian:** "You make a date with this guy and I'll show up before he does so I can see who it is we'll be suing for molestation of a minor, and in exchange, you put up a Craigslist ad to get rid of that charming bastard."

**Stewie:** "Well, alright. I suppose this won't be the worst deal I've ever made..."

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_[Cutaway to Stewie sitting in an office; the walls covered with NBA posters of Yao Ming. The man sitting at the desk in front of him fondles a large bag of money]_

_**Man:** "Listen, kid...are you sure you want to put your entire college fund on the line?"_

_**Stewie:** "Oh, come on! With that gargantuan Oriental on the team, the Rockets will achieve victory in the 2009/10 season! I bet it all!"_

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Cutaway Ends]

[Scene Cut]

* * *

[Resumes at the Drunken Clam. Inside, Quagmire, Joe and Cleveland are having a drink. Peter enters with Crooner]

**Peter:** "Hey, fellas! What do ya think of the new dog, huh?"

[The guys ad-lib their own greetings accordingly]

**Crooner:** "Hi."

**Cleveland:** "Peter...how is Brian taking to him? The last time you brought home a new dog, he gave you 'the business', remember?"

**Peter** [takes seat]: "Not to worry, Cleveland. Brian's the one who convinced us to bring him home! I was totally against it at first, but you know, wolves aren't the bad asses Disney movies make them out to be."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

_[Cutaway to a parody scene from Beauty and the Beast; when the wolves attack the Beast. The wolves are indeed attacking him, but while two of them hold his arms, 5 proceed to kick and punch the Beast in the gut. Meanwhile, the camera goes to 4 other wolves surrounding Belle. 2 are looking through her purse while the others hold the girl at knife-point]_

_**Wolf #1** [going through Belle's purse]: "Hey, I found a bag of pot!"_

_**Wolf #2** [holding a knife to Belle's throat]: "Alright, now take off the dress..."_

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Cutaway ends; back at the Clam]

**Quagmire:** "Holy crap, that thing's a wolf?"

**Crooner:** "Look, if it bothers you, just pretend I'm a malamute. There's no real difference anyway."

**Joe:** "Peter, do you have a license to own that animal?"

**Peter:** "What're you talking about? We found him in the woods. Since when do you have to pay to adopt a dog from the forest?"

**Joe:** "It's illegal in the state of Rhode Island to own a wild wolf without the proper facilities and licenses. If you don't get a permit from the local Fish and Wildlife office, I'm afraid I'm going to have to fine you and confiscate that animal."

**Crooner:** "How can you profile me as a wild animal when scientists in 1998 reclassified wolves and dogs as the same species?"

**Joe:** "Listen, Balto. I don't make the rules, I just enforce them. Either you get the license or I'm taking you in; it's that simple."

**Crooner:** "Did you just call me Balto?"

**Joe:** "You got a problem with that, White Fang? You gonna bite me now? Sink your fangs into me like a freshly killed moose, I DON'T FREAKIN' THINK SO! BRING IT ON!!!"

**Crooner** [gets up and goes to leave]: "I'm sorry, Peter. I didn't know your friends were SPECEISTS. I'm gonna go."

[Peter gets up]

**Peter:** "Well, it seems I learned something new about all of you. It doesn't matter if your black, crippled or horny...you're all anti-semetic. Good day to you!"

[Joe calls out as Peter exits the bar with Crooner]

**Joe: **"HEY! Next time I see that animal I want to see the proper paperwork AND the proper confinement for a creature like him! 8-foot tall double-fencing with a top AND a bottom, so the sneaky bastard can't escape and make meals out of the neighborhood children!"

[Outside, Peter catches up with Crooner.]

**Peter: **"Ah, I'm sorry, buddy. I never expected them to act that way about you."

**Crooner: **"It's okay, Peter. I'm used to it. Not a lot of people like 'my kind'."

**Peter:** "Boy, it's gonna be hard finding you a home, then. Why don't you just stay with us?"

**Crooner:** "Oh, no, I couldn't do that. I'm invading Brian's turf enough and I'm pretty sure he's becoming a bit impatient with me already."

[Scene Cut]

* * *

[Back at the Griffin house...]

[Brian enters the kitchen and approaches Stewie, who is seemingly frustrated as he pounds anxiously at the keyboard, muttering obscenities under his breath]

**Brian:** "Hey. No luck with hardnready. He left before I got there again. How's it going with Craigslist?"

**Stewie: **"UGH! Bloody awful! Every time I post the ad, 4 minutes later, they bloody flag it! How the hell is anyone supposed to get rid of anything when these nosy, no-life bastards keep deleting everyone's posts? I mean, who the hell do they think they are? Why doesn't Craigslist put a ban on flagging? Or...or at least a limit on flagging! But, no!!! They give everyone the freedom to flag whatever the hell they deem unfit for this crappy site!"

**Brian: **"...Maybe the rehoming fee is too high. Try lowering the re..."

**Stewie:** "THERE IS NO DAMN REHOMING FEE!!! THAT'S THE WHOLE BLOODY PROBLEM!! THERE'S NO REASON FOR THIS! NONE!!"

**Brian:** "Alright, alright. Calm down..."

**Stewie:** "CALM DOWN? CALM DOWN? HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO CALM DOWN??"

[A chime rings out from the laptop, indicating new mail. Stewie looks on with rage as the message reveals that his ad has once again been flagged.]

**Stewie **[pulls frantically at his hair]: "DAMN IT ALL TO THE BOWELS OF BLOODY HELL!!!!! THIS PIECE OF SH!T SITE IS GIVING ME A F*CKING ULCER!!!"

[another chime is heard, this time, a new personal message]

**Brian** [looks at the screen, despite Stewie's mad expression]: "Looks like you have a new message from your gay friend."

[Stewie leans into the screen and reads aloud]

**Stewie:** "kill_lois, I'm sick of this game and sorry for playing with your emotions. I want to do this for real this time. Meet me outside the Costmart tonight at 7 sharp. Come alone."

**Brian: **"Yikes...sounds like this is getting serious..."

[Stewie is silent, staring blankly at the screen]

**Brian:** "Stewie?"

**Stewie **[breaks the silence with a maniacal laugh]: "That's it! I can't believe I didn't think of it before! During my week of studying the ways of the computer, I've learned the ins and outs of basic hacking...my education is all but complete..."

**Brian: **"What does that have to do with hardnready?"

**Stewie:** "TO HELL WITH HARDNREADY!!! I'VE LOST INTEREST!!...Brian, I'm going to create a computer virus as a gift for those scum-bucket flaggers on Craigslist!"

**Brian: **"What? You're going to commit a federal offense in leau of just putting an ad in the local paper?"

**Stewie: **"Look, you're the one who wanted him gone via Craigslist, did you not?"

**Brian:** "Well, yeah, but..."

**Stewie:** "You want him out of here fast, don't you?"

**Brian:** "Of course I do! But not enough to infect people's computers with some cockamamie virus! I mean, these people think they're doing the right thing when they flag. We have no right judging them."

**Stewie: **"Oh, no, you're completely right. They should flag whatever they want..." [5 seconds of silence] "By the way, I saw Crooner in the tub with Lois last night..."

**Brian:** "Give those flagging bastards exactly what they deserve."

[Brian picks up his ears as he hears the sound of clanging metal coming from the front lawn. He heads to the living room and opens the door. He is shocked to see a massive barbed wire-toped 8-foot fence surrounding the front yard. Brian walks outside.]

**Brian:** "Peter, what the hell is this??"

**Peter:** "Jeez, Brian. What does it look like? A pteradactyl cage?" [pauses] "Cuz'...Cuz' I've been thinking of gettin' a few of those things to keep the neighbor kids off the lawn."

**Brian:** "This looks like a permanent structure!" [turns to Crooner] "Crooner, what the hell? I thought this was supposed to be temporary?"

**Crooner:** "I'm sorry, Brian. I tried to talk him out of it, but he wouldn't listen to me!"

**Brian** [sighs]: "Well, this wouldn't be the first time Peter didn't listen to reason..."

--------------------------------

_[Cutaway to a close-up of a sign that reads "Do Not Stick Fingers in Cage!!!" on the Spider Monkey enclosure at the zoo. Camera pans back; we see Peter standing in front of the cage. He looks back and forth nervously before slowly reaching down to unzip his pants.]_

---------------------------------------

[Cutaway Complete/Scene Resumes]

**Crooner:** "We tried getting the permit too, but Peter made some suggestive comments to the secretary at the Wildlife office and got us thrown out."

**Brian:** "A Permit? What do you mean?"

**Crooner:** "Well, this cop over at the bar said he'd fine Peter if he didn't get a permit to own a "wild animal." Apparently, only sanctuaries can do that..."

**Brian:** "Joe said that?" [thinks for a moment. Eyes widen when he comes to a realization] [whispered]"Of course..." [turns back to Crooner] "I'm gonna go have a talk with him."

**Crooner:** "Really, Brian? You'd do that?"

**Brian **[uncertain] : "Uh...sure."

**Crooner:** "That's great! You know...I was starting to think that you didn't like me anymore because I was hanging out with your family..."

**Brian** [nervous]: "Uhh..."

**Crooner:** "But, now I see that I was just being paranoid because of the hasheesh joints I've been smoking for the past 4 days." [pause] "You're a great friend, Brian..."

**Brian** [guilty]: "I...uh...yeah...you, too, Crooner."

[Starts to walk away again, only slower. As he's stepping into the driveway, Lois pulls up in a brand new, lemon-yellow Electric car. Brian walks right into it and is thrown backwards by the impact. Lois jumps out of the car and rushes to Brian's side.]

**Lois:** "Oh, my! Brian, are you okay?"

[Brian sits up, rubbing his head]

**Brian: **"Ugh...I think so..." [notices the new car] "Wow...a brand new energy-efficient electric car! Lois, where'd you get the money for this? They're $25,000 and up!"

**Peter **[joins the scene]: "Where the hell did you get 25 thousand bucks? That suv was only worth 5!"

**Brian:** "You mean S.U.V."

**Peter: **"Brian, we are talking about cars, alright? Not venereal diseases."

**Lois:** "That car salesman was a real moron, so I told him if he buys the car for $5,000, I'd throw in John Travolta for an extra $20,000...and he believed me! Whatta dope!"

[Both Lois and Peter laugh]

**Brian** [shifty eyes]: "Huh..."

**Lois: **"So, anyway, what do you guys think about the new...Petah, what the hell did you do to my lawn???" [notices the fence FINALLY]

**Brian: **"Well, that's my cue to leave."

**Crooner:** "Catch ya later, Brian!"

**Brian** [flinches]: "Yeah...later..." [leaves]

**[End of ACT II/Opening of ACT III]**


	3. ACT III

[Scene Opens. Brian is approaching the Drunken Clam, but meets Joe as he's exiting. He approaches Joe]

**Brian:** "Hey, Joe. What's going on?"

**Joe: **"Hey, Brian. I was just on my way to Costmart to get some diapers for baby Susie."

**Brian:** "Mind if I joined you? I, uh...have to talk to you about something..."

[Scene Cut] 

* * *

[Back at the Griffin House]

[Peter enters the house. Crooner is sitting on the couch watching TV]

**Peter:** "Alright, buddy! Your new kennel is done! Come check it out! You can sleep outside, under the stars, just like when you were wild!"

[Crooner groans with discomfort and fidgets in his seat]

**Lois** [enters from behind Peter]: "Petah, you can't force him to live out here! Why do you think he left the wild in the first place? He wants to be with a family; indoors. Don't make him sleep outside..."

**Peter **[sighs]: "Alright...but I'm not letting my money go to waste. Someone's gotta sleep out there." [screams] "MEG! GET YOUR STUFF, YOU HAVE YOUR OWN CAGE ON THE FRONT LAWN NOW!"

**Meg** [screams from upstairs]: "SCREW YOU, FAT ASS!!!"

**Crooner** [gets up and starts towards the door] : "Look, I'd feel awful if Peter's hard-earned cash went to waste. I'll sleep outside. I'm used to it."

**Peter** [pets Crooner's head as he walks by]: "See, Lois, isn't he a trooper? Who's a good boy?" [vigorously rubs Crooner's head]

**Crooner** [bashfully] : "I'm a good boy..."

**Peter:** "Who's a good boy?"

**Crooner **[slightly more enthusiastic] : "Me...I'm a good boy..."

**Peter:** "Who's a goo' boy? Who's a goo' boy? Who is he? Who is he?"

**Crooner** [very enthusiastic]: "Me! Me! I'm a good boy!"

**Peter **[incoherent baby-talk]: "Whosha woosha boosha boo?"

**Crooner:** [laughing ecstatically]

[Idiotic giggling ensues on both parts; Crooner wags his tail rapidly while rubbing faces with Peter. Peter abruptly stops]

**Peter:** "G'night!" [slams door]

[Crooner cuddles with door for a few seconds before he realizes Peter is behind it. With a mournful sigh, Crooner drops down on all fours and turns clockwise 6 times, then counter-clockwise 5 times, the clockwise 6 times again, then counter-clockwise another 3 times before pulling out a pillow, blanket and lit candle from the bushes. He sets up a 'bed' on the stoop, gets under the covers and blows the candle out.]

[Scene Cut]

* * *

[Resumes in the Costmart parking lot. Camera follows Brian and Joe through the automatic sliding doors]

**Joe:** "Alright, Brian. I'm going to go get the diapers and I'll meet you here at the deli when I'm done. I won't be long, but think about what I said about that wolf sanctuary. It's probably the best thing for him."

**Brian:** "Uh, yeah...Yeah, I'll think about it..."

**Joe:** "Great. I'll be back in a few minutes." [rolls away]

[Brian sighs and takes a seat at a booth in the deli. He can hear someone typing on a laptop computer behind him. He turns slightly, seeing the computer screen. The man is familiar—the 'Phony' guy. Brian eyes the computer screen; the page is open to the Craigslist Pets Section. The man is busy scrolling down the ads, clicking into dog-related ads]

**Man:** "$50.00 is too low for a rehoming fee! You don't really love your dog! You're nothing but a phony! I'm gonna flag you!" [clicks flag button]

[Brian narrows his eyes with disgust]

**Man:** "$300.00??? That's not a rehoming fee, you big phony! That's a SALE!! You have no right charging so much! I'm flagging you, too!" [clicks flag button]

[Brian aggitantly taps the table with his finger, his eyes full of disdain]

**Man: **"Oh, LORD a breeder! Ugh, you disgust me! How dare you breed dogs? ALL DOGS SHOULD BE NEUTERED AND BREEDERS SHOULD BE HUNG! If you sell puppies, you're sick! Taste my flag-finger, you phonies!" [clicks flag button]

[A low growl creeps up in Brian's throat as he digs his claws into the wooden table]

**Man:** "Oh, no...it's that wolf ad, again..."

[Brian gasps and whips around to face the screen fully. The man doesn't seem to notice him]

**Man:** "That isn't even a real wolf! Probably just a husky! Damn phony! Wolves can't be pets! You are so flagged!" [prepares to click flag button]

**Brian:** "FLAG THIS!" [jumps over seat and punches the man in the face]

[The man goes down, cradling his jaw. His Blackberry cellphone falls out of his pocket, but goes unnoticed.]

**Man:** "AUGH! What the hell!?!?!"

**Brian:** "ARE YOU SUCH A LOSER THAT YOU HAVE ABSO-FREAKIN-LUTELY NOTHING BETTER TO DO THEN SHOVE YOUR BIG NOSE INTO EVERYONE ELSE'S BUSINESS?!?! YOU KNOW, IT'S BECAUSE OF DOUCHE BAGS LIKE YOU THAT THE ANIMAL SHELTERS ARE SO DAMN FULL!! HOW THE HELL CAN ANYONE REHOME THEIR PETS IF PEOPLE LIKE YOU WON'T ALLOW THEM TO ADVERTISE? HUH? YOU NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT, DID YOU?"

[The phone rings, but Brian snatches it before the man can grab it]

**Brian:** "YOU STAY RIGHT THERE! I'M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU, YET!" [answers the phone] "Hello?"

[There's a short pause]

**Stewie:** "...Brian?"

**Brian:** "Holy crap...Stewie?"

**Stewie:** "UGH! I knew it! You're such a pervert...I'm hanging up now."

[Brian pulls the phone away from his ear and stares at the tiny computer face. His eyes widen when he reads the name]

**Brian:** "Oh, Lord...you...you're hardnready..."

**Man** [stutters nervously] : "H...How...how do you know me?"

**Brian:** "You sick bastard! When you're not busy flagging everyone on Craigslist, you seduce little boys in chatrooms! Ugh, you're a disgusting human being!"

[Joe returns]

**Joe: **"Brian! What the hell is going on here?"

**Brian:** "Joe, this man is a boy-hungry pedophile! Here, check his Blackberry. All the evidence you need is there." [tosses the phone to Joe]

**Joe** [inspects the phone]: "Hardnready?...My gosh...we've been trying to track this dirtbag down for months!" [cuffs the man] "Amazing job, Brian. I'm gonna run this princess in, but I'll catch ya at home in a little while. I got a call from that wolf sanctuary and they're really interested in making your friend an animal Ambassador, what do ya say to that?"

**Brian:** "Wow, an Ambassador, really? Huh...that sounds really great. I think Crooner will love the idea. I'll go talk to him right now."

[As he passes Joe and the accused, he turns and knees the man in the crotch and punches him in the face again. Joe smiles and nods with approval]

[Scene Cut]

* * *

[Resumes in front of the Griffin house]

[Brian enters the yard through a huge gate. As he gets nearer to the house, he stops dead in his tracks, startled by the glowing yellow eyes before him. Both he and Crooner shout in unison as they scare each other]

**Brian: **"Oh, man...I'm sorry Crooner. Your eyes scared the hell outta me."

**Crooner: **"YOU scared ME! I hate loud noises..."

**Brian** [clears his throat]: "Listen, pal...can I talk to you for a minute?"

**Crooner: **"Sure, Brian!" [takes a seat; his tail swaying patiently] "What's up? Did you find me a family yet?"

**Brian:** "Well, uh...sort of...I mean...um...yeah, I...I think you'll like it."

[Crooner sits forward eagerly, his ears perking with interest]

**Brian:** "Well, you see, you'll be doing a lot of traveling."

**Crooner: **"Great! I loved the car ride here. It was so fun!"

**Brian:** "Hmm...fun for you maybe..."

---------------------------------------------

_[Cutaway to Peter, Lois, Crooner and Brian driving home. Crooner has his head out the back window, his tongue lolling out. The expression of joy on his face changes abruptly as a wave of nausea overwhelms him. He points his face downward and vomits a little. Afterwards, he returns to his window-surfing. Brian, meanwhile, whose head was hanging out the rear window at the same time, is now covered with wolf hurl]_

--------------------------------------------------

[Cutaway Ends/Scene Resumes]

**Brian:** "Anyway, you'll also be meeting lots of new people...you know, having a really good time. You're gonna be an animal Ambassador for a wolf sanctuary! What do you think?"

**Crooner: **[less interested] "Well...it sounds...kinda fun."

**Brian:** "Oh, yeah! I mean, you'll get to educate kids about wolves! You know, maybe clear up some of the misconceptions people have about you guys. It'd be great not only for you, but for every wolf in the world!"

**Crooner:** "Gosh, you make it sound so glamorous, but..."

**Brian **[growing slightly agitated]**:** "But what? You can't lose!"

**Crooner:** "Well...it's just...it's not really a family. It's more of a job..."

**Brian **[excitable] **:** "Oh, come on, Crooner! The world will be your family! You'd have to be crazy to turn down this opportunity! Think, man! Think!"

**Crooner** [contemplates for a few moments, then looks at Brian]: "Do you want me to go?"

**Brian:** "I...what?"

**Crooner:** "Do you WANT me to go?"

**Brian:** "Well...it's..." [sighs heavily] "Yes. I want you to go."

**Crooner** [nods]: "Okay. I'll go. It'll be lots of...fun..."

[Brian droops his ears as a sudden wave of guilt overtakes him]

**Brian:** "Maybe, you'll meet a nice family while you're on the road..."

**Crooner: **"Yeah. On the road..."

[Headlights illuminate the front yard as a massive truck pulls into the Griffin driveway. A logo on the side portrays the head of a bear, a bobcat, a wolf and a wolverine; all bearing their fangs viciously; the writing below the logo reads: "Wildlife Friends: Because Wild Animals are your Friends!" Below that is smaller writing that reads: "WARNING: Never, ever, ever go near any wild animal at any time for any reason!" A woman steps out of the car; she sports a shirt with the same logo. As she approaches the enclosure, Joe pulls up behind her vehicle]

**Joe:** "Brian, meet Kathy. She's the wolf expert who's gonna use your friend in educational seminars discussing the dangers of wolves."

**Brian and Crooner:** "Dangers?"

**Kathy the Wolf Expert **[to Brian] : "That's right. Wolves are dangerous, unpredictable animals that commonly turn on their owners. Tamed ones, like your confused friend here, are better left in the care of professionals like me, who can confine them and assure that they do not escape and destroy the livelihood of farmers and ranchers."

**Crooner:** "...YOU'RE a wolf lover?!?!?"

**Kathy the Wolf Expert:** "Calm down before I'm forced to muzzle you. I know you must be craving fresh blood right now, because wolves need raw, bloody flesh. It's not your fault you're the way you are. I love you, even though I know you are incapable of loving a human. It's okay. You'll be a lot calmer once you've been neutered. Most wolves should be neutered...I know; I'm the expert."

[Crooner cowers at the thought; Brian steps defensively in front of him]

**Brian:** "How dare you call yourself a wolf expert when you obviously know nothing about them? I mean, you say they're incapable of loving humans. Well, you know something? This wolf adores humans! He is the most affectionate creature I've ever seen; a hundred times more affectionate then me! I mean...it borders on disgusting! You say they're dangerous and unpredictable. This guy is so mellow and timid, it makes me sick!"

[Crooner glances questionably at Brian]

**Kathy the Wolf Expert:** "Brian, you don't expect me to believe that this wolf can live in a house without destroying it? They can't help their wild nature. I'm the expert here. All of my wolves live in peace and happiness in their concrete kennels, where they can stay out of mischief."

**Brian:** "Don't you think you're wolves would enjoy a game of fetch or tug-war once in a while?"

**Kathy the Wolf Expert:** "Oh, heavens no! Wolves don't play fetch OR tug-a-war; they're not dogs!"

**Crooner:** "With all do respect, ma'am, if your wolves are mischievous in the house, it's because you treat them like wild animals...I mean, if you treat a Labrador like that, it'll be wild, too. If you raise a wolf in the house with the same rules that apply to a dog, the wolf will abide by them, just like the dog does. So, tell me, what's the difference? Why can Brian live with a family and not me? Why should I be treated differently from any other dog?"

[Brian smiles and puts his paw on Crooner's shoulder]

**Kathy the Wolf Expert:** "I might need back-up, Joe...he's getting belligerent..."

**Joe:** "I dunno, Kathy. I think he has a poin..."

**Kathy the Wolf Expert:** "He's making a move! Quick, give me the tranquilizer gun!"

[snatches the gun from Joe and points it right at Crooner, whom Brian is standing protectively in front of. Just as she pulls the trigger, Joe lunges and makes her miss the dogs, but the dart buries in the electrical socket where the Griffin's new car is plugged in. There's a spark, then the whole side of the garage explodes, catching Joe's house on fire. Peter, Chris, Meg and Lois run out of the house and stare up at the flames that are rapidly engulfing Joe's house. Bonnie dashes out of the Swanson's garage, coughing.]

**Bonnie:** "Joe!"

**Joe:** "Bonnie!" [embraces her]

**Bonnie:** "Joe...I was...doing laundry...Susie...she's...she's..."

[Joe brings his eyes up to the 2nd floor window, where his daughter's cries could be heard.]

**Joe:** "Oh my gosh! Susie's still in the house!!" [attempts to roll himself forward, but another blast blows Joe's wheelchair from under him]

**Brian** [worried]: "Oh, no!!"

[Gasps and worrisome murmurs could be heard from the crowd as Fire Trucks arrive. Crooner drops down to all fours and bounds into the house. Brian follows him a few strides before stopping.]

**Brian:** "Be careful in there!"

[Firemen begin dousing the flames, causing black smoke to bellow into the sky. Everyone watches, hopeful. Some are even praying. After several moments, a figure can be seen emerging from the black smoke screen. As the smoke clears, Crooner comes into view carrying baby Susie on his back. The crowd cheers excitedly; some are crying while others became sexually aroused and start making out. Crooner stumbles at Bonnie's feet and finally collapses after the infant is safely in her mother's arms. Brian and the Griffin's approach him]

**Brian:** "Hey...are you alright?"

**Crooner** [coughs a little] : "I haven't inhaled...that much smoke...since my collage days..."

[The Griffin's sigh in relief. Crooner shakily gets to his feet, only to be roughly snagged by the neck with a dog-catching pole. Kathy the Wolf Expert tightens the wire around Crooner's neck]

**Kathy the Wolf Expert:** "You impostor! You can't be a wolf!"

**Crooner:** "What the hell are you talking about? My parents are wolves! Their parents were wolves!"

**Kathy the Wolf Expert:** "HEY! Who's the wolf expert here? Not you; me. You're nothing but a glorified malamute!" [pulls dog pole over his ears and pushes him away with her foot] "Wolf...hmm...what a joke. A real wolf would have consumed the child. I know, because I'm..."

**Brian:** "The wolf expert...yeah, we can see that."

[Kathy the Wolf Expert climbs into her truck and drives away. Joe approaches Crooner]

**Joe:** "Crooner, I have to admit, I was wrong about you. You're a good dog. If you're still looking for a home, Me, Bonnie and Susie would love to have you with us."

**Crooner:** "Really? You'd let me live with you?"

[Joe and Bonnie open their arms invitingly]

**Bonnie:** "Welcome to the Swanson family, Crooner!"

[Thrilled, Crooner joins his new family in a group hug, his tail going a mile a minute. Brian smiles warmly at the scene and follows his family into the house]

[Scene Cut]  
[Resumes the next day. Crooner steps out of the Swanson house to use the bush. Brian is using it on the other side. The grin at each other]

* * *

**Crooner:** "Morning, Brian!"

**Brian:** "Hey, Crooner. How's it going with your very own family?"

**Crooner: **"Ah, it couldn't be any better. I got to eat food out of a bowl, I got to drink out of the toilet, I slept at the foot of the bed; It's everything I ever dreamed it would be. And I owe it all to you. Thanks Brian. I couldn't ask for a better friend."

**Brian:** "Friends? Hell, we're practically brothers!"

**Crooner:** "Brothers! Ha! We're more like mirror images!"

[A tune begins---the same melody from the song "You Are Woman; I Am Man" from the Barbra Streisand movie "Funny Girl"]

**Brian **[singing]**:** "You Are Wolf; I Am Dog"

**Crooner **[singing]**:** "I'd rather eat Alpo

Then run down a wild hog!"

**Brian **[singing]**:** "Your nose is wet n' cold to the touch"

**Crooner** [Spoken]: "Like yours!"

**Crooner & Brian **[singing]**:** "It's a feeling we like feeling very much!"

**Brian **[singing]**:** "You are a creature

That most appall"

**Crooner **[singing]**:** "But with some knowledge

You'll see wolves aren't bad after all!"

**Brian **[Spoken] : "Not in the least!"

**Brian **[singing]** :** "Does it take more explanation then this?"

**Crooner **[singing]**:** "You Are Dog..."

**Brian **[singing]**:** "You Are Wolf..."

**Chris**[appears from nowhere]**: **"And I'm Chris!" [laughs and runs away]

[Song sequence ends. Joe pokes his head out of the house]

**Joe:** "C'mon, Crooner! Let's play some frisbee."

**Crooner:** "Coming, Joe!" [turns to Brian] "Well, see ya tomorrow, Brian! My family and I have some bonding to do!"

**Brian:** "Enjoy, man."

[Crooner disappears inside the house. Peter then drives up in the old Griffin family car]

**Brian:** "Peter, you got the old car back!"

**Peter:** "Yeah, I traded that death-mobile for our old car! Boy did I miss her...ain't that right baby? Yeah, you're a naughty car, aren't you?..." [licks hood]

**Brian:** "Well, uh...Crooner's taking well to his new home, by the way."

**Peter:** "...Who the hell is Crooner?"

**Brian: **"Uh...the wolf that's been living with us?"

**Peter **[laughs]: "Oh, man! THAT was his name? Oh, jeez! I've been calling him 'Cooter' all week!" [laughs again] "Crooner...what a dumb name...I'm gonna go get a beer..."

[Brian follows Peter in the house. He stops when he notices Stewie sitting in front of the television]

**Brian:** "Stewie...I'm surprised you're not on the computer. Get bored with it already?"

**Stewie: **"Just shut up and watch the news."

[Brian takes a seat on the couch next to Stewie]

**Tom Tucker: **"This is Channel 5 News at 4. I'm your host, Tom Tucker."

**Diane Simmons:** "And I'm Diane Simmons. Our top story today: a new Craigslist virus has been infecting computers state-wide, affecting only flaggers who target the Pets section of the popular website. It makes you wonder why people keep flagging, doesn't Tom?"

**Tom:** "Diane, your posts get flagged because it is against Craigslist rules to sell your body in the Pets section. Keep it in the adult forum, El Chupa Cabre..." [continues, ignoring Diane's vicious stare] "In other news, a major pedophiliadite, Raymond Saunders, has been incarcerated in the Rhode Island State Penitentiary after being arrested at the local Costmart. Also known as hardnready, Saunders is being held for over 200 counts of pedophile-related offenses." [A photo of Saunders is shown]

**Stewie **[shudders]**:** "Good Lord, THAT'S HIM??? UGH! I'm glad he got arrested! For heaven's sake, if you're going to be a child predator, at least have the decency of being an attractive one!"

**Diane Simmons: **"The death penalty has been passed, and Saunders will receive his sentence before the end of the day. In leau of a final meal, he has requested access to Craigslist so that he may flag as much as possible before his death."

**Stewie:** "HA! He'll never make it to the gas chamber now! As soon as he clicks that flag button, his demise will be complete!"

**Brian: **"Demise? What the hell kind of virus did you make?"

[Scene Cut]

* * *

[Scene abruptly switches to the Rhode Island State Prison, where Saunders sits in his cell. A guard enters and hands him a laptop. Saunders opens it and eagerly flocks to the new wolf ad, which reads "Wolfie got a home. In your face. Flag this and die"]

**Saunders:** "How dare you take up space on the front page with this nonsense? You shouldn't post stuff like this here! And what is that—flag and die?? You think you can make threats on Craigslist? Not on my watch! I'm flagging you, you fake-wolf-selling-phon...!"

[Clicks flag button and is instantly vaporized by an ultra-violet white light (coming from his computer screen) with the heat intensity of the sun itself. All that remains is a pile of charred ashes.]

[The computer screen reads: "Thanks for Flagging!...you bastard..."]

[Camera pans over to the two prison guards, who watch wide-eyed. After a few seconds, one cop turns to the other]

**Cop #1:** "That was weird."

**Cop #2: **"Yeah." [silence] "Hey, you wanna go feed Wesley Snipes some more rat blood?"

**Both:** "Yeah!" "Alright!" "Totally!" "You know he dressed like a woman once..."

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**Written by M.W. Roach**


End file.
